A Moment in Time—Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset

During a deep and vulnerable conversation, I found myself expressing to a close friend just how much I cherished our connection. “I love this—the way we stand in the gap for each other, growing and flowing with such intimacy and transparency. It’s a relationship grounded in accountability, yet free from judgment,” I said. Then, with a lighthearted smile, I added, “If reincarnation exists, I hope I get to come back more disciplined.” without hesitation, he replied, “I’d want to come back as a whale, just to swim around and roam free.”

What began as a casual exchange suddenly struck a deeper chord. His whimsical desire to roam free as a whale wasn’t just hilarious and super witty —it was deeply resonant, revealing contrasting perspectives that mirror a fundamental truth about how we approach life.

The Freedom to Choose: Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset 🔨🔎📈

This conversation highlighted a key tension many of us navigate: the balance between seeking structure and discipline versus yearning for freedom and release. These contrasting desires reflect the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset—two distinct ways of interpreting our experiences, aspirations, and potential.
• Fixed Mindset: When we hold a fixed mindset, we see our abilities and circumstances as static. We believe that traits like intelligence, talent, or even the way we approach life are unchangeable. This perspective can create self-imposed limits, convincing us that significant growth or transformation lies beyond our reach.
• Growth Mindset: In contrast, a growth mindset embraces the idea that our abilities are adaptable and ever-evolving. We believe that through effort, learning, and resilience, we can grow, improve, and change. The desire for discipline reflects this mindset—the belief that we are works in progress, always capable of becoming better versions of ourselves.

In our conversation, my longing for discipline represented a growth mindset: the belief that life, and even future lives, offer opportunities to develop, evolve, and refine ourselves. Meanwhile, my friend’s wish to roam freely as a whale reflected a fixed mindset: the yearning to escape responsibility and the pressures of growth in favor of complete freedom.

The Interplay of Mindsets and Trauma 🎭🕺🏽💃🏽

This moment of contrast also echoes something deeper—an idea explored by Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, a book I recently read that brought me a new sense of clarity. His groundbreaking work demonstrates how trauma shapes our perception of ourselves and the world, often locking us into a fixed mindset. Trauma convinces us that we’re stuck in our pain, that change is impossible, and that our circumstances define us.

Van der Kolk emphasizes the deep connection between the mind and body, showing how unresolved trauma can shape our responses to life. In many ways, my friend’s wish to drift freely, unburdened by responsibility, mirrors how trauma can lead us to disengage from growth and healing. Yet, van der Kolk also reminds us that healing allows us to reclaim our agency, breaking free from the belief that we are immovable.

Healing helps us move toward a growth mindset. It shows us that with care, attention, and support, we can reshape our perspectives, retrain our minds, and rebuild our lives.

Balancing Discipline and Freedom ⚖️🏋🏽‍♂️

The contrast between my desire for discipline and my friend’s longing for freedom reveals something profound about life: both are essential. Growth requires us to navigate the tension between discipline and freedom, structure and spontaneity.

• Discipline provides structure and focus. It’s the framework we use to build new habits, challenge ourselves, and steadily move closer to the person we aspire to be. Discipline anchors the growth mindset, as it allows us to embrace challenges, learn from mistakes, and persevere through difficulty.
• Freedom offers space for rest, reflection, and creativity. It reminds us that while growth is important, so too is the ability to pause, to breathe, and to appreciate what already exists. Freedom allows us to live fully in the present moment, without the constant pressure of striving for what’s next.

Much like The Creator hung the stars in the sky with intention, we, too, must balance striving for more with cherishing what is. Both discipline and freedom are essential parts of the human experience.

Moving Between Mindsets in Healing 🤯➡️🧠

The beauty of healing lies in our ability to move fluidly between these two states. As van der Kolk reminds us, healing isn’t about “fixing” ourselves—it’s about integrating all parts of our experience. It’s about knowing when discipline is needed to propel us forward and when freedom is necessary to let us rest and recharge.

Life is not rigid. It isn’t about choosing between a fixed mindset or a growth mindset, between discipline or freedom. Rather, it’s about understanding when each is needed and developing the emotional intelligence to navigate between them with grace.

To Sum Things Up 🟰💰

That moment of conversation with my friend served as a powerful reminder: even casual exchanges can reveal profound truths about how we navigate life. Whether we yearn for more discipline or crave the freedom to roam, both desires reflect the delicate balance we all seek between growth and acceptance.

The intentional design of the universe—like the careful placement of stars or the intricate beauty of a peacock’s feathers—reminds us that life is a blend of striving and being. Through healing, we learn to honor both: cultivating the discipline to grow and granting ourselves the freedom to simply exist.

As we continue this journey together in Candid Conversations, may we reflect, grow, and embrace the wisdom that comes from finding harmony between these two forces.

Stay tuned for more reflections and heartfelt dialogues in future editions of Candid Conversation Newsletter and Podcast. Together, let’s continue exploring the delicate balance of growth, healing, and the wisdom that comes with embracing both discipline and freedom.