Candid Conversations Newsletter Self-Awareness: The Paradox of Becoming

“Know thyself.”

Those words have followed me ever since I first read them as a kid. They have shaped how I think about becoming.

It speaks to self-awareness. Today, the term gets tossed around like a buzzword. But what does it really mean?

Starting Small 🤏🏽

For me, it begins with little questions.

I like ice cream. But why? Which flavor? Which brand? Do I prefer homemade or factory-made, on a cone or in a cup?

Trivial questions, sure. But they reveal patterns. And once you start noticing patterns in the small things, you begin to uncover the ones shaping the bigger things.

The Relational Mirror 🫂

From there, the focus shifts outward. How do others see me? Does their perception match the way I see myself?

The gaps are uncomfortable, but necessary. Because self-awareness isn’t just looking inward, it’s also checking the mirror of relationships.

More Than Moods 😤😡

I keep going back to Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence, where he  names self-awareness as a core pillar of EQ.

It isn’t just about moods or quirks. It’s about digging into the deeper why.

When we know what we feel and why we feel it, we gain freedom. We stop reacting on autopilot. We pause. And in that pause, we choose.

Anger becomes information instead of an explosion.

Anxiety becomes a signal instead of a spiral.

The Cost of Blind Spots 🧑🏽‍🦯‍➡️

Without awareness, blind spots multiply.

You think you’re confident, but others see arrogance.

You think you’re being direct, but you come across as dismissive.

You think you’re agreeable, but you’ve silenced your own voice.

The gap between intention and impact erodes trust and keeps us stuck in patterns we can’t see.

Adaptability With Roots 🏋🏽

Self-awareness, grounded in values, makes us adaptable. We can walk into a room and adjust, not by faking, but by choosing what’s needed without losing who we are.

Adaptability is not compromise. It is alignment.

But without values, awareness can buckle. At its worst, it becomes manipulative. At its extreme, it looks like psychopathy: sharp awareness without conscience.

Guided by values, though, awareness becomes a force for empathy, generosity, and connection.

Growing EQ 🪴

Self-awareness doesn’t stand alone. It opens the door to the rest of emotional intelligence: regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skill.

Think of EQ as navigation. Self-awareness sharpens the compass. It helps us manage stress, handle conflict, listen deeply, and lead with clarity.

Unlike IQ, which tends to plateau, EQ can grow. Every time you pause instead of react, every time you tell yourself the truth instead of dodging it, you build it.

The Lonely Path 🛣️

Of course, all this sounds tidy on paper. But awareness can also be lonely.

The deeper it goes, the more you notice: the tone under the words, the silence between them, the patterns others shrug off.

This clarity enriches curiosity and connection. But it can also create distance. Depth brings solitude.

And yet, solitude is often where compassion grows—for ourselves and for others.

The King’s Parade 👑

My father once told me the story of the king in the invisible clothes.

An arrogant king, eager to impress, was promised the most magnificent outfit ever, woven from materials so rare only the worthy could see them. He paid in gold, though nothing was ever made.

Still, he admired it. His staff, afraid to speak the truth, did the same. And so he marched proudly through the streets, until a child laughed and shouted the obvious: “The king has no clothes on.”

That story has stayed with me.

Because self-awareness is what protects us from becoming that king. It regulates itself by asking the simplest, hardest question:

How am I doing? 

And more importantly, being open enough to hear the honest answer.