The Nature of Change- Seeing Beyond the Storm

"The more things change, the more they remain the same”.

The first time I heard those words, I was in a dark place. They felt dismissive—like an oversimplification of my emotions, a lack of empathy from the person who said them. At that moment, I couldn’t see beyond my own pain, my own circumstances. The truth in those words was lost on me. But time has a way of revealing wisdom.

Another saying, "The rain does not fall on one roof," echoes this sentiment. Back then, I couldn’t receive those words, but now I understand. I was searching for the right things in the wrong places, blinded by my own struggles. It took years to grasp that everyone carries their own burdens, their own unseen battles. Often, what we perceive as indifference is simply another person’s projection of their suffering. Pain has the power to consume us, leaving us in shambles, struggling to put the pieces back together. But how can one offer what they do not possess? How can someone embody something they have never experienced? Compassion, understanding, and healing require an internal reservoir—one that must first be nurtured before it can be shared. Moving forward from perceived demise requires creativity, resilience, and a willingness to see beyond the immediate, even when the future feels uncertain. Easier said than done.

This brings me to Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS).

We first touched on IFS in a previous edition back in October, but today, let’s take a deeper dive into how this model can reshape our understanding of ourselves and our emotional landscape.

Understanding the Internal Family System 🧩

IFS provides a way to understand ourselves by recognizing that our psyche is made up of distinct parts, each with its own emotions, perspectives, and roles. When in balance, these parts work together to support our well-being. But when misaligned, they can create internal conflict, self-doubt, and emotional distress.

The goal of IFS is integration—bringing these parts into harmony under the leadership of the Self, the core of who we truly are.

I first encountered IFS five years ago during my own journey of self-discovery—an attempt to understand my sovereign self. Growing up, I was often labeled as an “emotional kid.” What better way to navigate emotions than to truly understand them? IFS opened the door to parts of myself I had never fully explored—the intricate interplay of human emotions and how they shape our interactions with the world.

IFS in Everyday Life: A Practical Perspective

IFS isn’t just a therapeutic model—it’s a lens through which we can understand our triggers, relationships, decision-making, and emotional resilience. It helps us see that our internal conflicts aren’t personal failings but rather conversations between different parts of us.

1. When Stress and Anxiety Take Over 🌊

We all experience moments when stress feels overwhelming—a looming deadline, an unexpected conflict, or a sense of being stuck. The IFS perspective encourages us to pause and recognize which part is reacting.

• Is it a Manager part, trying to control the situation by over-planning?

• A Firefighter part, attempting to numb stress through distractions like binge-watching or emotional eating?

• Or an Exile, a deeply buried wound, resurfacing and making the moment feel more intense than it actually is? Rather than suppressing these reactions, IFS invites us to engage them with curiosity. Asking, “What does this part need?” creates space to regain clarity and avoid being emotionally hijacked.

2. Navigating Relationships with More Awareness 💞

Relationships—romantic, familial, professional—often activate different parts of us. A simple disagreement can trigger deep-seated fears, leading to reactions that may not align with the present situation.

• A partner cancels plans last minute, and suddenly, a fear of rejection surfaces.

• A friend doesn’t text back, and an inner critic whispers, "Maybe they don’t care about you."

• A colleague gets the promotion you wanted, and a comparison-driven part spirals into self-doubt.

Instead of letting these reactions dictate behavior, IFS encourages us to pause and ask: Which part is feeling this way? Where did it learn this response? What does it actually need?

Engaging in this inner dialogue fosters healthier communication, emotional regulation, and self-compassion.

3. Decision-Making and Inner Conflict ⚖️

We’ve all faced difficult decisions, feeling torn between competing instincts. Should I stay or go? Speak up or stay quiet? Take the risk or play it safe?

IFS reveals that indecision is not a weakness—it’s parts in conflict.

• One part craves stability, while another longs for adventure.

• A perfectionist Manager wants to play it safe, while a free-spirited part urges risk-taking.

• An Exile fears failure, while a courageous part wants to push forward.

Rather than dismissing this as confusion, IFS helps these parts communicate and find an integrated, Self-led resolution—one that considers all perspectives while allowing the Self to take the final call.

Applying IFS in Your Daily Life 🛠️

IFS isn’t just a theory—it’s a practice. Here are simple ways to integrate it into your routine:

1. Morning Self-Check-In → Before starting your day, ask: Who is leading today? A stressed-out Manager? An ignored Exile? Bring curiosity, not judgment.

2. Pause Before Reacting → When emotions rise, take a breath and ask: Which part is speaking? This shift can prevent unnecessary conflict.

3. Journaling as an Internal Dialogue → Write from the perspective of different parts. Let them express their needs, and allow the Self to offer reassurance.

4. Visualizing Your Inner System → Picture your parts at a roundtable, each with a voice—but the Self sits at the head, leading with wisdom and compassion.

5. Using Self-Language → Instead of "I’m just an anxious person," try "A part of me feels anxious." This subtle shift creates emotional distance and fosters clarity.

Living with Internal Harmony ☯️

IFS teaches us that we are not our wounds, our fears, or even our emotions—we are the Self, the leader, the observer, the healer.

"The rain does not fall on one roof." It touches us all. But how we respond depends on which part is holding the umbrella.

Are we bracing against the storm, fighting it, or seeking shelter in avoidance? Or are we standing in the rain with openness, knowing that every drop carries something valuable?

The journey of IFS isn’t about eliminating parts of ourselves—it’s about understanding, integrating, and leading them with wisdom. When we do this, we move through life not as fragmented beings, but as whole, resilient, and deeply connected individuals.

IFS has given me clarity, made me more curious, creative, and a better communicator. But most of all, it has made me more compassionate—toward myself and others.

As we continue this journey together in Candid Conversations, may we embrace the wisdom that comes from leading with Self, not fear.

💙 Until next time—stay curious, stay compassionate, stay whole.

Stay tuned for more reflections and heartfelt dialogues in Candid Conversations and Podcast. Together, let’s continue exploring the balance between growth and healing, structure and freedom—and the wisdom that comes from leading with Self.